Personal Post: The knot in my throat.

I feel like everytime I start this out, I will most likely delete it. But here I am. I am going to rant starting now...

I woke up feeling like shit today. My dad woke me up several times early this morning. Keep in mind that I tend to wake up in the afternoon, what a way to waste good parts of the days right? Yeah. I don't really have Insomnia but I have difficulty making myself sleep. I do not believe in medicine. I believe that it is my fault that I've become like this. Video games. I've been playing for many years. I use it as my escape from reality. I use it to cope with a lot of stress and a lot of problems I face on the daily with my family.

So I'm going to say in raw detail. Be truthful. So don't even feel sorry for me. I only hope when I do end up looking back at this I will probably laugh it off or feel successful because "I made it" or "God, I went through so much shit... I'm doing a lot better now." But reading back in old entries I posted in the late 2000's of my young teenage years... NOTHING and when I say nothing... ABSOLUTELY nothing has not even changed.

For one, I am still not in college, nor do I work, and nor do I have my license yet.

WHY, WHY, AND WHY? Do you ask.

I'm 23 years old. I'm about to be 24. My life hasn't changed because I particularly didn't change it's course. I am very lazy, and I have no enthusiasm whatsoever. I'm a very shy person, and it's become so ridiculous that I hide myself from communication with other people or having to do anything social. Just once I always wanted to be at least a little out going but when I attempt it... there my mom seems to control it.

I grew up depending on other people. I grew up depending on my parents, my ex boyfriend who left me 7 months ago.

I'd like to break it all down what has happened to me since 2000 but that would be a long book pretty much.

So here is what I am going to do, for those that even care what occurred in my previous childhood life. Go to: www.deadjournal.com/users/pinaizee

That is my entire life when I was going through so much, and to this day I still am.

There is this guy however that wants to change thing's for me to make it better, I been hesitant but I feel that option might save me... even if I make certain sacrafices I just hope the people that are around me that actually cared and helped me will understand that I've ben miserable for a very long time. And I've thought of suicide SO MANY times. I thought of so many horrible things... if this ONE thing here can save me... then I might be selfish... to take up on the offer... but if it's to at least once slight f happiness that I've always wanted... I will go for it... I'm only sorry if doing this, I will leave behind my family.. but from the way I see it, they've already left me behind.

I feel washed up.
I feel used in so many ways.
I don't feel like nobody loves me.
I don't even feel like this is a family.
I really DISLIKE my mom, and I feel bad for saying that....
But seriously seriously... if you seen what she did to me, what she put me through my entire life... how she treats me like shit... you'd get why I've been like this.
But you don't.
And if you do and see it and think it's wrong too.. then yeah.

I live a very unhealthy life.
I'm so depressed and I stay up multiple nights,
crying, smoking through packs, and laying there thinking...
"What do I have to cook tomorrow"
Because she'll yell at me if I don't..
when I do she won't eat it.
So what is the point in cooking, what is the point in wasting food...
I'm tired of it.. I know it's my family and all but I feel like a prisoner...
I feel very used and I've been hurting allover. Emotionally, Physically.
I'm just so tired of it and I'm sick of just letting my life waste away... I really want to do something for myself for once before it's too late.

I'll be 24 by Jan. 14th.. and I def. don't want to look back another year, or two or so... and be writing about this again... Looking back at my journal around 2000-2008. Is a very rude awakening that those last 9-10 years od my life... I'm still treated so horribly.

The person I've become
when all I wanted was to be able to do things
everyone is growing up faster than me
doing things that I can't even do
because I'm still in this hole
that my mom won't let me out of...