Rant Post:

Fuck it.. like I hold back a lot on things I really want to say.. all my life I just HOLD FUCKING BACK... I always put everyone before me... I sacraficed years for them.. I don't know why I'm always treated like this... I think back on my childhood memories and they weren't even that great. Back then my dad was in the AF and my mom was just a Homemaker/Whatever! And it was just me and my half brother. My mom took things out on me and him growing up. When she gave birth to my two younger sisters, she slowly changed her ways of disciplining us.... but I really can't STOP forgetting how bad it was... And then, now I'm older... it makes things so difficult for me right now... I don't know, like, nothing is wrong with me I don't think but... explain... my constant crying, difficult to be social, my tendancies of always worrying if I'm fucking up, having difficulties on trusting... I'm not going to lie, but I am absolutely fucking miserable...

Till... I met a couple people.

Till I met them...

And then there's HIM...

Arguements with the bf is good and bad, but he's something that grasps my heart, tugs it, and I feel okay again...

My mom.

She got onto me today... I'm not a kid, but I feel like a fucking kid living here... my sisters grew up way faster than me... they got their jobs, license... ALL BEFORE ME. I've only worked once, but it was a temp. thing. But otherwise, I don't even know what it's like to do anything at all.... YOU MAY SAY I GOT IT EASY but it isn't EASY AT ALL to fucking live like this... and just feel like... years are wasted and you haven't made anything different... the cycle is such a repeat... it all spins just endlessly.... and all I do is wait..in hopes something or someone would save me from here... I depended on my exes way too much. I gave in too much trust... and guard was down... I was just used... I'm not the happiest person... but I swear to you that I always put you first... I rather the other be happy before I even get a dose of it...

My mom is the main thing that makes me feel this way... I feel like moving out IS going to be MY SECOND CHANCE... but I can't even have that... I'm not even sure who I am anymore or what I'm capable of being who..... I've been told so many talents... but I'm wasting it all... why did "God" bring me here... if I can't even "fulfill" things... if there really is one.. why am I being punished so badly... why do you guys got to make it so difficult for me...